Married to the Sea Read online
Table of Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Introduction
Tastes of the Portions of the Swine.
Whoooops!
Oh!
MAGIC FLAG
Mustrowski’s Famous Bed-Bender
You can’t do magic tricks...
Congratulations
WORLD’S LONGEST - FINGERNAILS
No! - Don’t poison the rich!
S-C-H-O-O-L
WHEAT IS MURDER
Schoolteacher indicated in reading scandal
Take Things On Boat Company
DEPRESSION
Meanwhile, - inside a turtle’s mind...
Take a... - CLOSER LOOK
Index
About the Author
Copyright Page
To Natalie,
who helped create the concept of Married To The Sea,
and without whom none of this would have been possible.
Introduction
Dearest reader, thank you for purchasing this book. You are entering a world where the past collides with the present. A hand reaches through the fibers of time to put words into the mouths of long-dead actors, words such as “Nutty Bars” and “Whoomp, There It Is.” It’s my hand, and it’s manly, but soft, because I use the computer a lot.
The consequence of the technology surrounding us in the year 2011 is that we use it for precisely nothing: breakfast statuses, lunch statuses, “I hate my job” statuses. The dishonor I commit by making our ancestors say “bantamweight slapboxer” is the tiniest pebble of shame upon the Jupiter of Wasting All We’ve Been Given.
So, in closing, I’ll leave you with this reminder: Those who forget history are something something (look up and fill this in later).
Tastes of the Portions of the Swine.
Heh heh. Dutch oven.
Champagne? Ugh... champagne has grapes in it too. I need some soy wine. I’m ,grapetose intolerant.
Your offer is generous, Craig... I’m just not sure I’m ready to live in a cage in your living room, wear a dog collar, and clean your house in exchange for room and board. I’m sure you’ll find someone... perhaps you could start some sort of listing service.
Good news, Mr. Atkinson! There is nothing blocking your colon at all... Your colleague may have been speaking idiomatically in regards to the stick.
Please (Read—If you did not purchase plums for the icebox, they are not yours. This means you, William. Some of us cannot eat poems when we are hungry.
Attention! Attention all townspeople! The King has declared that this village is now to be used for hipsters! If you are not a hipster, you will be subject to being scowled at... effective immediately!
Miss! Excuse me, miss... I simply can not let you pass without comment. Are you from that cult church in Texas? Because your sleeves are mad puffy. A man would marry his cousin for those sleeves, girl.
WHOA WHAT THE HELL IS THAT
I DON’T KNOW LET’S RUN IN FRONT OF IT JUST IN CASE
Hmm... What if I stomped on these a bunch and then let them rot in a barrel?
Okay, okay! If you insist, I’ll tell you... but you have to promise not to repeat it! Promise? Okay.
Start the level as usual, but where you see the turtles, jump up above them and hit the block. A beanstalk will grow out of the block, and you climb that. There’s like... I don’t know, two hundred coins up there? I never had time to count, cause I’m always too busy whipping ass at Mario.
Here you are, Uncle... shhhhhhh. Sip it slowly. It’s some purple drank. It taste good. Now lean... there you go. That’s better.
“It was nice to meet you.
Here’s my business card.
Take care.”
Ladies... Y’all interested in a man who can lead a horse to water and make him drink?
No... Mom! Listen! That’s not mine. Come on, don’t throw it out. It’s not even my amphora. I’m holding onto it for someone.
4 April. This Blog is going to have to go on hiatus four a while. The boss found out I have been using the town’s only printing press to publish my writing. I hope he does not find any of the older entries.
To Whom It May Concern:
My pen is almost out of ink
I will dress in the costume of a bear and dance seductively for you. Do you have a rough wooden pole upon which I may gyrate? And do you seek companionship from a beard-ressed man? Respond posthaste to me, and we shall convene.
AD #32
Hi, girls. Welcome to American Freedom Restaurant. Would you like a booth or—wait, don’t tell me. You want to sit in the Magical Fantasy Maiden section, right? That’s what I thought. Follow me.
Whoooops!
I accidentally made you in love with an insane person!
He ain’t eatin’ the bird, man... he just testin’ it to make sure it a real one. Plenty of fake birds in these parts.
Asparagus was miniaturized in 1889, which was a boon for asparagus farmers, but led directly to the bankruptcy of the Cincinnati Asparagus Lifts factory.
No, no, Conrad, you do want this medicine! It makes that... certain... part of the male anatomy bigger.
No, not your hand.
Another part.
All right, dog, I’ve tallied today’s sales... We made just over nine thousand dollars. You’ve done an excellent job. We’d love to have you come back and hold the sign again tomorrow.
L’ESCAROLE POTARD
1898
Crab Wine
Drink somberly
Potard & Sons, Montreal, PQ
I’m glad you asked, Willie. A lot of our newer members seem to have the same concern. It should please you to learn that there is unlimited gin in heaven.
Thanks, man, but I can’t hitch a ride. I appreciate the offer, but I’m supposed to ride a snail. My boss can hear me, so I’ll leave it at that.
Ugh. It’s already 6:30. Whoa, wait, it’s six thirty at night? It’s dinner? I... shit. I had it on the schedule, too. No drinking on October 22, because you gotta wake up on October 23rd, 4004 BC, and create the entire universe.
Okay... Let there be four Advil.
Miss Knickers’ Garden of Delights
Ink-Dipped Quill ....................................................... 50p.
French Bulldog.......................................................... 30p.
Reverse French Bulldog .......................................... 40p.
Horseless Marriage................................................. 15p.
Chimney Sweep ......................................................... 40p.
Full Chimney Sweep................................................. 65p.
The Tiger’s Hungry Maw ........................................... 75p.
Double Poke & Jab ................................................. 40p.
Triple Poke & Jab ................................................... 60p.
Hermit-Crab............................................................... 35p.
Train Conductor...................................................... 25p.
The Old Fruit & Nuts................................................. 90p.
Customers must be accompanied by parent if under 18, No refunds,
How about it, weakling? Do you have your tickets for the musket show?
I send him out for olive oil and he brings me back “canola” oil? What the hell’s a canola?
Trying to starve you?! That’s not fair! I planned our lunch out well in advance, Mary. It’s not my fault if you don’t like sand.
Voting day arrived, and the ballots were counted and the figures tallied and double-checked. By a thin margin, a wiremobile station was to be built, rather than an “air
port.” The wiremobile began running three years later, providing service across the Ohio River to northern Kentucky. Unfortunately, no other major cities constructed wiremobile stations, and in 1911, the Cincinnati Wiremobile Transit System ceased operations.
You want some cantaloupes? Let me just special-order them on my Blackberry. Tick-a-tack-a-tack. There you go. They’ll be here in about three hundred years.
Keep at it, chap! These boots go all the way up.
As populations in the region increased, the reports of “boat rage” climbed exponentially,
Beat it, old man! This is my turf. I’ve been quackerying on this corner for years.
“Love Seat... in the case of one-year-old Padded Chair, you are... Not the father.”
It’s ludicrous, Mother! Ever since you got that “Book of Warcraft” you’ve been glued to the couch. You can’t even help me with homew—Is that an urn full of pee?!
The world’s first permanent photograph was produced in 1826 by Joseph Nicéphore Niépce, a French inventor. His early photographic experiments started in the late 18th century, but were hampered by his persistent failure to remember to remove the lens cap before exposing the plate.
Although Randall found actual human interaction tedious, he often spent long nights perfecting features on “My Girlfriend”, a hand-carved clockwork woman.
Activist judges...
You’ll pay for this!
For the last time, Herbert! It’s the help’s job to close the gate. Do you truly wish to deprive them of the pleasure they get from their work?!
Making flowers is such a pain ... I should figure out how to grow these on plants.
I should think there would be no argument, Maxwell! You’ll have the plain one with the long dress, and I’ll take the beauty in the hat. No use in courting outside your league, my socky friend.
“Where were you, Lord, when I paid for two bags of chips, yet I pulled only one bag from the vending machine?”
“It was then, my beloved child, that I carried your chips. Here they are.”
How dare you! I most certainly do not have a “sugar daddy.” My suitor is a man who simply likes flowers, and prefers to store them on the dresses he buys me.
Well, it could be that when you die, your perception simply stops, and there is nothing. Or, you’ll float through some clouds until you come to a podium, and if the angel at the podium lets you inside the cloud world, you’ll learn that an invisible, omnipresent, omnipotent lord invented dinosaurs to test us. Either way.
Wait. People are still reading Hamlet?! I wrote that in like one fortnight. I owed some people some money, you know? Shakespeare got to get paid, son.
Is it okay to cuss on the green? Son, that’s why they invented golf. Nobody comes out here ‘cause they like finding a tiny ball over and over.
Ladies! Ladies! Stop at once! Do you hear? Stop! You are not to hit with fists. That is not the fantasy. You are to slap. Open hand slaps. I like the sound.
Hey! Breaking news! Reading the newspaper gets you heckled! Continue reading this story on page you suck.
“If ... if I had only left my dorm room door open! And brought shower shoes.”
“It’s too late for that now, Claudia. You knew going into this that college could be fatal.”
I was fine with the hair soup, Helen. But this torn-up ass looking chicken leg... Where do you get this stuff? Do you own a bunch of stock in, like, Gross Animal Parts Limited?
Boy! I like your hoop... let me purchase it. I will give you five shillings.
No? Ten shillings, then. Ten! What say you!
Still no? How about a large package of mortgage-based securities?
Oh!
That’s the third thumb this week.
WATER
New formulation!* 50% less dysentery!
Don’t Fret!
Water Classic contains our originally-available amount of dysentery, and is available in drinking fountains across the country.
Bro, take it from me. If you want to pick up the saltiest ladies, you gotta learn the art of the pickup. You can’t just say “nice frock,” man. You gotta be like... Hey, nice frock, tell your grandma to let you borrow her clothes more often. Then slap the drink out of her hand and introduce yourself.
This... This is utterly fantastic! I’ll be a million—no! I’ll be a billionaire with this! I shall call my invention... “porno.”
Thanks for helping me paste up my poster, ladies... my intellectual-graffiti poster, that is! Ha ha ha!
MAGIC FLAG
The more you wave it, the less you’ll understand about civics! No electricity needed. Send 45¢ to “Flag”, Box 12, Columbus, 0.
Great job, dick. You fished me. What are you gonna do now? Put me in your truck and drive back home?
Okay... Looks-On-Red-River, Bison-Buffalo-Pants, I think it’s time to switch to Plan B. We go undercover, blend in with the white man, invent Sam’s Club, and exterminate them through obesity. You in?
Hey! I’m back from the store. Help me put the groceries away.
What the fuck kind of cereal do you think?
Ooh! What kind of cereal did you get?
Dreams can come true!
Though nothing but a poor washerwoman. Charlotte dreamed that one day she would no longer have to do the laundry by hand. After fourteen years of hand-washing, her dream came true: She was now to use an automated washer!
Soon, she dreamed that one day, she would no longer have to use the laundry machine, and indeed, almost twenty years later, her dream came true! She no longer had to wash laundry at all, and instead, she toiled until death in the city factory, building laundry machines.
Honestly, Beatrix... You’re either going to have to quit leaking this sick white stuff, or petition Congress to pass a healthcow bill. I can’t afford to take you to the vet.
“Come on... it’s time to go. I’ll help you. Just slide on out. You can do it.”
“No! I... I’m going to grad school! Leave me alone!”
Whoa there, Lucy! You’re supposed to sip it gently... you might wanna grab a bible and go on out to the latrine before it’s too late. Last time I had a full cup of this stuff, I wasn’t done shittin’ till I was halfway through Revelations.
Mustrowski’s Famous Bed-Bender
Adjustable to the precise amount of uncomfort your health demands.
You know anything good? I like pretty much everything... well, everything except country and ragtime.
“Okay ... my castle shoots ether on your horse. Your horse died. Knock it over.”
“Shit. Okay.”
“I get an extra turn. This turn, my castle... shoots ether... on your other horse.”
Your weiner-hat trick is fantastic! Tell me, between magicians, how you perform this illusion!
Yes! Just like that! You must teach me how to create this Weiner-Hat. I beg of you!
There’s, uh... well... there’s just a hole in the top. I stick my finger through, and—
D’you hear that, Warren? The lady on the sexophone sounds like... Yes, her name’s Margaret! Isn’t your wife’s name Margaret? I thought you said she worked at the flower shop.
Shit, the lake’s handing me a sword?! What do I do? Is it rude to just grab it? Shit. You get your minor in swords and they still don’t teach you about the most basic things.
What are you talking about, shoot me? Nobody’s gonna shoot me, man. If I break my leg, my owner’ll just put a cast on it. We’re cool like that.